Hey Readers, super sorry for missing the schedule of posting yesterday, I’ve lost track of my days lately. Pretty badly honestly. Here’s a kind of sort of poem, slash, rant, slash just writing lol. I wrote it earlier this year, hope you enjoy it. I’ll be posting tomorrow (it may be late) but I’ll be posting it!
I never understand why people do the things they do…
This blog post just might cause a bit of attention.. it may not I don’t know but here it goes.
It was maybe two summers ago.. not really sure exactly when but I’m more than sure it was two summers ago.. one of my loved ones had an accident. We are going to call her, Rose for the purpose of this post and not wanting to put actual names on here.
Rose and I met in high school over a mutual friend. Well she was her friend I was the girlfriend, nothing serious though hah. At first rose and I weren’t friends.. we talked here and there but nothing that really lasted more than 5 minutes.
My junior year, Rose’s sophomore year, we had Piano class together. That’s when we became really close. She’d walk with me sometimes when we’d go home.. only because she lived by me.
Except she’d walk a litter further and sometimes even to my house. Rose would walk me over to my girlfriend during that time (not the mutual friend this time) even though it wasn’t far from the school, the company was well appreciated. Rose and I were such goof balls.. I’m only a goof ball with her because it’s hard not to be around her. She seemed so happy..
And for years that is what I thought she was.
she actually took some pills.. a lot of them and she tried to end her life that summer. I’m going to spare the details but just know that she was on my front steps and I found her just dazed sitting there.. as if her body was there but her mind wasn’t.. at all.
Although I am not happy about what she did.. I’m glad she ended up on my property because I was able to get her the help she needed when her body started shivering and her mouth started spitting out her saliva while she was laid back.
My best friend, who is also Rose’s best friend, Avocado is the name we will go by (it resembles her last name), has been my rock during this time.. she’s really been my backbone. She doesn’t really talk about her feelings but I know she’s in pain. I know because she stays quiet and just listens. She’ll cry sometimes even when she doesnt want to admit it.
Avocado and I became best friends actually not to long ago too. I was 13 when I met her and she was 12, she’s now going to be 20 and I’m going to be 21…but it wasn’t until she was cyber-bullied and I defended her and was there for her at a bad time in her life (the reason she got bullied). I never gave up on her as a friend before so I wouldn’t give up on her ever. Kind of reminds me of my mother and her best friend.
I don’t think my family knows this but if they are reading this, they do now. I suffer from anxiety.. its been about three years now that I’ve actually for sure known that I do. its not really bad but its bad enough and it sucks. Its so hard to deal with when your anxiety can’t be controlled… there are “good” days (not really GOOD but like days you can actually get out of bed and breathe and deal with things) and there are bad days (where you literally can’t get it to be controlled) and then theres good and bad moments through out the day. It just really sucks.
But Avocado has really been hepful when it comes downto my anxieties.
Rose recently tried to end her life again because no one was there to talk to her when she needed to. I’ve felt so guilty before and I wasn’t sure why but now I feel giulty all over again. But this time I know why.
After her first incident she went away to another state. We didn’t say our goodbyes, she just left. I talked to her once in the blue moon but I wasn’t really, emotionally okay. I had nightmares and it was not okay… (don’t feel like talking about it in detail).
She recently came back home maybe a month ago? Not too sure about dates anymore.. time is going WAY too fast. But we hung out with Avocado and it was a great day/night. It was hard to see her again after everything happened but it was nice, I missed her.
It wasn’t until I started to see that when she left the state she was in she also left the program that was so on top of her.. which meant coming back here was probably a mistake. She did things she shouldn’t have done because it just showed everyone that she didn’t get clean at all. It just showed everyone that she didn’t change what so ever. But I knew she did and she was just fucking it up all over again.
So I told her I wasn’t going to watch her just ruin her life again. I was put in the situation once and I wasn’t going to just watch her do it again and sure enough.. she did it again.
She climbed this HUGE mountain, getting rid of all the bad things in her life just for her to get to the edge of the mountain and jump off. And I shouldn’t feel guilty I really shouldn’t because I wasn’t the one that told said “rose take these pills” “rose take this blade” no. She was the reason behind it all.. she is the one to blame.. not me. But yet I SIT HERE AND CRY AND BREAK DOWN ALMOST EVERY DAY BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY. BECAUSE I TOLD HER TO NOT MESSAGE ME.
Because she needed someone and I wasn’t someone she could count on because I told her I didn’t want her in my life the way that she was acting.. Im all over the place with this post and I’m so sorry.. but the feelings I have for rose are real and its the realest its going to get.
My family doesnt know but its none of their business.. its no ones business who I love and who I want to be with. And the reasons behind it. Rose’s family doesnt give two shits about her because if they did.. they wouldn’t shut her out, they wouldnt give up on her.. they wouldnt stop caring and showing that they care and love her. Maybe if they didnt treat her like shit 24/7 365 days out of 365 days in the entire year.. maybe she wouldn’t go around every year trying to kill herself. Don’t be selfish.