Poem #1 | Brianjelique Poetry

when I was younger I had friends who would talk nonsense.
cut themselves with blades just for the attention. but others did it behind closed doors because their life was too hard for them to live for. many reasons why we do the things we do or say the things we say.
before I met you my mind was living one way my heart was living in another and my body was somewhere completely different.
I thought things no one ever thought I would think because I smiled so hard and held back tears with every blink.
my parents believed that I was okay with being me. a freak to some but normal to others. A young girl with ADD who got bullied for having a big nose and a big body and who liked girls but who wasn’t a lesbian. who liked guys too but wasn’t bisexual.
everyone believes that because a gay person comes out the closet once that it is all over but oh god you are wrong.
every time I meet someone new, a friend, a coworker whom I seem to feel like I could get close to, just anyone out there, I have to spill out the words because it is not something you may read off my resume or my Facebook description or on my face.
I don’t dress like a lesbian I dress like myself.

I don’t speak like a straight girl I speak like myself.
so the day that you walked in front of me in the big city, crowded people surrounded every street, but I swear looking at you looking at me felt like there was no other world out there.
the day you said my name, held me so close to your chest, told me you loved me, held my hand so proudly and tightly before we’d leave, were the days that I was finally free.
I was free from the negative mind in my head.

the thoughts that I couldn’t stop unless I fell asleep and that was rarely often.

I was free from the misconception of those who looked at me as a straight girl who has gone through nothing, now I was looked at as the girl in love with another girl who probably has still been through bullshit.
the days you made me laugh so hard I’d almost pee and smile so big that my cheeks were in pain, were the days I found the best medicine. and the days that went on where you convinced me we were in love were the days that I was fooled into believing you were that medicine.
but you weren’t. you were a drug. a drug that kept me going for a couple of hours in a day. and one day I decided to take more than one, and instead of leaving some in the bottle I took it all.. and now I lay here, numb wanting another chance to just feel all over again, but I can’t…
you killed me..

Poem #1 | Brianjelique Poetry

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